Passport Application

[Darren]

   Dear Minister,
   I'm in the process of renewing my passport but I am a total loss to understand or
   believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.
   How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals Basingstoke has my address and telephone
   number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back in 1994, and yet, the
   Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?
   How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every
   Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I have had
   out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you still want me to remind
   you of my last three jobs, two of which were with contractors working for the
   government?
   How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my T.V. is on, what channel I am
   watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and yet if I win the government
   run lottery they have no idea I have won or where I am and will keep the bloody
   money to themselves if I fail to claim in good time.
   Do you people do this by hand?
   You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the one with all
   the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30-odd years. It's on my health insurance
   card, my driver's licence, on the last four passports I've had, on all those stupid
   customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes and
   boats over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done
   every ten years and the electoral registration forms I have to complete, by law, every
   time our lords and masters are up for re-election.
   Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in Maidenhead on the
   4th of March 1957, my mother's name is Mary, her maiden name was Reynolds, my
   father's name is Robert, and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between
   now and the day I die!
   I apologise Minister. I'm obviously not myself this morning. But between you and me,
   I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my house, then you ask me for
   my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals working there?
   Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to activate the Fifth
   Reich for God's sake! I just want to go and park my weary backside on a sunny, sandy
   beach for a couple of week's well-earned rest away from all this crap.
   Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and get another
   copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one. AND to the tune of 60 quid!
   What a racket THAT is!! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the
   same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? But nooooo,
   that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over
   the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some tosser to confirm that
   it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know... the one where we're not allowed
   to smile in in case we look as if we are enjoying the process!
   Hey, you know why we can't smile? 'Cause we're totally jacked off!
   I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten years at the
   Ministry of Defence in London. I have had security clearances which allowed me to
   sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the Prime Minister while he was being
   briefed on the first Gulf War and I have been doing volunteer work for the British
   Red Cross ever since I left the Services. However, I have to get someone 'important'
   to verify who I am -- you know, someone like my doctor...
   who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago WAS LIVING IN PAKISTAN...
   Yours sincerely,
   An Irate British Citizen.

[andyf]

That touches a nerve, Darren. I've just embarked on the 5-yearly chore of renewing my Firearm Certificate for the umpteenth time since 1973. My two .22 target rifles each weigh 15lbs and are single-shot, so they are not the sort of things to take on jihad or bank raids. Four mugshots, two forms for referees like Bert Smith of Basingstoke to complete and submit without showing them to me etc etc. The one amusing thing among a myriad other questions and requirements is:
"Give the name and address of your GP"
The police can't charge me any more than the standard fee, which is rather less than my doctor would charge them for a report if they ask for one. They never do - I know, and the police know, that their budget doesn't cater for it.
So why bother asking the question? Because some bright spark bureaucrat at the Home Office wanted to the form to look important, that's why!

Andy

PS I'm not against firearm licensing. Just against the tick-box way they go about it.

[No1_sonuk]

The bit that bugs me about the FAC application is that the references can't be anyone who works for the police. 

I guess they really don't trust their own...

[andyf]

The bit that bugs me about the FAC application is that the references can't be anyone who works for the police. 

I guess they really don't trust their own...

Ah, they're wiser than I thought, then!

Seriously though, I suppose that if somebody starts using people for target practice, they don't want questions like "How did this lunatic get a Firearm Cert?" to come back and bite them.

Have just realised that I may be crossing the line in Eric's strictures about firearms discussions, so will say no more.

Andy

 

[NickG]

Darren, having just jumped through all the hoops and finally sent 3 passport applications off for myself and 2 children, I can sympathise with that!

Nick

[HS93]

You may have a bigger problem getting a passport now as you have posted enough info for jo blogs (or the indian equivelent)to get a driving licince creddit card and prob a passport in YOUR name.
 
peter

[SAM in LA]

Darren,

Sounds like the US.

A friendly suggestion:

remove your personal information from your post.

With that info in the US, I could go out and buy a house, car and many credit cards.

Then, under our present administration, likely get a bail out on all of the debt I ran up under your name.

SAM

[Darren]

Hi,

There is no personal info in that post 

It's all fictitious ..... 

[rleete]

Many years ago, my first cat had his own credit card.  Somehow, someone sent an application to "Killa Leete".  So, I filled it out, being somewhat exagerated in my numbers, such as his salary.  They promptly sent a card, which I displayed to family and friends.  Never had the guts to try to use it, though.